Mind Your Words and Mine Your Words
The words we choose to use, with others, with ourselves, even silently inside our minds, create worlds which we live in and navigate moment by moment. The words we choose can create worlds which invite generosity, grace and love for ourselves and others; scaffolding in our minds to support us as we build whole selves. The words we choose can also create burdens, judgements, and shame; insidious barriers to our own growth and toxic resentments for so many triggers we find out in the world.
One of the great gifts we can give ourselves is to mind our words. We can take care with our vocabulary. We can pause and be aware of our intention before we speak, to ourselves and to others. We can choose words which align with our intentions.
Additionally, we can mine our words. When we pause and get curious with the thought we just had, with the words we just spoke, with the intention we just discovered, we can use these words as a mirror to learn more about ourselves.
Here’s an exercise I try:
Notice. Pause and take note the next time there is a thought which includes absolute language; thoughts using words like always, ever, never or, only. We use these sorts of words to make statements like, “Gah! Why am I always late for appointments?”
Get curious. Ask yourself, “Why did I use that language? What underlying belief about myself or about the world might that choice of absolute language help me see?” And, if you identify an underlying belief, is it true? How does it support your thriving? For instance, of course I am not always late for appointments. My use of absolute language, however, acts like a spotlight revealing a negative self belief. I believe others judge me as a bad person for making them wait and so I judge myself to be a bad person as well. My use of absolute language to express how I felt in this moment reinforces that negative self-belief.
Restate. How might you integrate what you have discovered and express what you feel in a way which supports you and how you want to exist in the world? Perhaps I might revisit how I felt in that moment and say, “Matt, I understand you are experiencing time-stress right now because your schedule did not allow for you to move easefully between your appointments. That seems challenging. In this moment, can you show yourself the same grace and understanding which you routinely show to others who, for their own reasons, arrive late to appointments they have scheduled with you?”
In mining our words, we are able to discover our underlying beliefs so that we may better mind our words and build an interior world which supports our human thriving.
